Why are kids so out of control now?  "In my day..." there was accountability, respect for teachers and the school and kids paid attention in class."

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Kids rely on school for social development.  What happens when the only contact they have with almost everyone is using a screen.  Instead of developing relationships with real people with real feelings and expectations, they have a relationship with some image on screen that they can turn off and walk away from.  It feels very impersonal to them, to their teachers and to their parents.

The need for connection is more important now than it ever has been.  None of us were actually 'seen' for who we are.  There were no hugs, no eye contact, no looks of encouragement, understanding or care.  Physicality is extremely important to social development.  Seeing someone, hearing them, feeling their presence, being able to pass something or share something with someone was taken away.

It has affected us world wide.  It has taken empathy away.  We are all acting out in our own way because of this global trauma.

​Be kind.  Be understanding.

 Those who know me, know what I'm going to say next.

It is not over.  I'm not just talking about the fact that COVID is an illness that any of us can get and will continue to mutate, probably until the end of time.  I am talking about anyone above the age of 6 who was alive in 2019.  We became aware of a threat that was killing people all over the world.  No one was safe.  No one could control it.  Anyone you were around could be a killer without knowing it.  We all protected ourselves the best way we could.  Towns and city streets were deserted.  No one saw anyone.  Thanksgiving was ruined.  This threat affected everyone everywhere all at once (to quote an excellent movie).

We went into survival mode.  Some people fought, some people froze, some people hid, some people ran and some people appeased.  Other people tried desperately to figure it out to control it.  We were trying to keep ourselves and people we care about safe in the ways we knew how.  It was traumatic for everyone and we reacted.  We were scared.  This went on for more than a year.  People were getting sick and dying all around us and we couldn't be with them!

Even if the virus had been eliminated completely at that point, it would still be with us.  Because it's a trauma.  Over time, untreated trauma can become Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  One of the symptoms is avoidance of anything that brings back those horrible memories and feelings.  We want to forget about it.  "I'm  fine.  It's over."

Notice how you react when you read these words:
Mask
Vaccine
Toilet paper
plastic barriers
Hydroxychloroquine
Long COVID

Our world, our minds, our relationships, our hopes and faith have been affected by this trauma.  Kids who had to learn online have not learned what they could have educationally and socially.  Electronics were our lifesavers.  The real need to be around people and connect was contaminated by anger and fear.  

We have a lot to recover from.

EMDR is a therapy that was originally proven to reduce symptoms of PTSD like nightmares, unreasonable anger, suicidal thoughts, hypervigilance and hopelessness.  We know now that because of the unique way EMDR rewires the brain, it is effective on other conditions as well.

Do I have to have experienced a trauma for it to help?
The brain normally processes day to day events quickly and effectively.  A trauma is normally seen as a life threatening event like a fire, war, physical or sexual abuse or a car accident.  Tragic experiences and other painful events can affect the brain's capacity to process effectively.

What do you mean by Tragic or Painful events?
Verbal, sexual or physical abuse whether as an adult or child is an example.  Others include the sudden death of a loved one, being fired, being humiliated, divorce, miscarriage, mishandled potty training or weaning.  If you get that horrible pit in your stomach when you remember an event, it is a potential target for EMDR Therapy.  One way I think about it is feeling haunted by a memory.  

What about addiction?
Most people with addiction have experienced trauma at some time in their lives.  EMDR Therapy can help heal the trauma that is driving the need to alter our reality.  In addition, addiction causes us to violate our own values leading us to wonder what kind of person we are.  This is horrifying and EMDR Therapy can help reduce the self-loathing that results.

The triggers that we experience in addiction are very similar to trauma triggers: people, places, things, smells, sounds, or events (like Father's Day).  EMDR Therapy can target the cravings and the triggers and reduce the intensity so that it can be managed more successfully.  Some cravings and triggers resolve completely.

I'm clean and sober, how can EMDR help me?
There are several stages of recovery.  Getting clean is just the beginning.  Now you have to deal with feelings and life on life's terms.  EMDR therapy can help people tolerate feelings they used to use over.  It is especially good for reducing the shame of things that we've done in our addiction.  Of course, processing past traumatic events endangers many an addict's recovery.

You make it sound like it can resolve everything.
Nope.  It is an amazing therapy, but in my experience it does not cure depression caused by neurotransmitter imbalances.  I have had limited success with OCD symptoms.  It doesn't work well with some types of brain injury or if the brain is compromised due to benzodiazepine, marijuana use.  Other drugs including alcohol can interfere with processing.  A drug called propranolol sometimes used for depression, migraine prevention or to lower blood pressure interferes with processing as well.

That's it for me for now.  Stay tuned for more "Words of Wisdom"

I admire Dr. Amen for being able to show through brain studies what is occurring with various conditions.  In the past we have only been able to guess what is happening to the brain with depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc.  That's why people feel like guinea pigs with different medicines being thrown at them until one (hopefully) works.

Read his blog and watch the video on Bipolar Disorders

For some reason, I thought the word was out, but I had another client tell me he had been talking to friends about his struggles and they told him it couldn't be PTSD because he had never been in a war.  We went through the DSM-5 criteria and indeed he met most of them.  On the other hand, I am working with a soldier who has PTSD...but it's not from the 2 tours in Iraq.  It's from childhood trauma.

So what is a trauma?  Simply put it is a horrifying event.  You experience horror.  You almost die.  You think you might die.  You are beaten You see someone else die, or be beaten.  You are raped.  You hear about a family member who was killed.  In other words, you feel very intense fear and helplessness.  This cannot be happening, but it is.  Who decides what is traumatic to you?  You do.

Who gets PTSD?  Some people who experience horrific events are haunted by them later.  Some are not.  We are not exactly sure why.  There are some ideas about resilience and a strong attachment bond with family.

The good news is that there is help.  You do not have to be haunted by nightmares or intrusive thoughts or memories for the rest of your life.  EMDR is a proven treatment that alleviates PTSD.  There are also treatments that help manage PTSD.  EMDR can eliminate it.  Will it work for you?  Are willing to find out?

​I, as well as most of my clients and I'm sure, many of you have been reminded of the times we have been sexually harassed and assaulted.  For some the reminders are so painful they can't stop thinking about it, are crying and feeling jumpy, scared and angry.  Some of my clients are feeling physically ill.

My first assault was by a cousin when I was very young.  When I was 19 a city bus driver tried to groom me by telling me I had to sit at the front of the bus.  A few bus rides later he told me I had to kiss him to get off the bus.  Finally he grabbed me and pulled me to his lap.  I got away and never rode the bus again.  A coworker when I was in my 30's decided since our birthdays were the same day that I had to give him a birthday kiss.  I never went to work on my birthday again.  I can imagine how these men talked to other sexual predators about their hunt and conquests.  I never said anything about the bus driver.  It was years before I told anyone about my coworker and only then because I was called out on being angry with him.

There are of course more incidents that have occurred.  I think we have an opportunity here to talk.  To talk about our experiences.  To unearth the secrets.  To realize that this was not our fault.  We did nothing to bring it on.  There are some men on this planet who prey on women and children.  They have a strategy that involves being charming.

I invite you to let others know about your experiences.  Let's support each other.  Let's change the national conversation.  Let's challenge the norms that allow this harmful culture.  Let's teach our boys how to treat people respectfully, to take responsibility for their actions, talk about their feelings and experiences.  Let us treat ourselves and each other with respect.


On your mark, get set, go!

Here are two videos about EMDR.  They are both old, one from 2008, the other 2012.  However, the information and descriptions are very helpful.

By Cristina Utti, MA, MFA|September 19th, 2016  Willingway.com

​For a very long time, I could not decipher between ‘codependency’ and love. I thought if we loved someone, we put that person’s needs before ours, and make their happiness our business.There is a fine line. It is true that love is unselfish. When we have a baby, or children, their needs do have to come before ours. We are not going to let our baby cry for hours from hunger in the middle of the night because we feel like sleeping when the baby would rather be awake and eat. We will drive our children around to activities when we are tired or would rather be doing something for our self. This is love, and the responsibility of a parent.
When we react in the same ways of putting the other first in our adult relationships, this is a red flag that we may be codependent. Codependency is a learned behavior. We watch the actions of our parents when we are children. If our mother or father had a problem with boundaries, was always the martyr, could never say ‘no’ to people, and had unhealthy ways to communicate, we learn these behaviors, and bring them onto our intimate relationships.
Children who grow up with emotionally unavailable parents also are at risk for being codependent. They often find themselves in relationships where their partner is emotionally unavailable, yet they stay and stay, hoping to change the person. Hoping that one day, things will be good. The subconscious hope is that the other person will see all the love we give and change. If we just hang in there, give our love, understanding, and support, we will finally get the love that we desired from our parents. This thinking is noble in one sense, and destructive if we do not have healthy boundaries. The worst part is when we do not realize what is going on and continue to live in a loveless partnership because we have never learned what a good partnership looks like. Codependent people do not believe that they are worthy of love, so they settle for less, often taking mental, emotional, physical, and even sexual abuse from their “partner.”
People who are codependent often look for things outside of themselves to feel better.They form relationships that are not healthy, looking to ‘fix’ the other person. A person with codependent tendencies may find themselves in relationships with a person that has addiction issues, thus making them the ultimate of emotionally unavailability. Their partner or they themselves may be workaholics, or develop some other compulsive behavior to fill them. This is easier in the short term than looking within and dealing with emotions.
If you are married and think that you may be in a codependent relationship, the first step is to stop looking at the other, and take a look at yourself.
If you honestly answer yes to any of these questions, you may be codependent.

• You tend to love people that you can pity and rescue.
• You feel responsible for the actions of others.
• You do more than your share in the relationship to keep the peace.
• You are afraid of being abandoned or alone.
• You feel responsible for your partner’s happiness.
• You need approval from others to gain your own self-worth.
• You have difficulty adjusting to change.
• You have difficulty making decisions and often doubt yourself.

Since codependency is a learned behavior, it can be unlearned with help and mindfulness. If you love your partner and want to stay in the marriage, you need to heal yourself first and foremost.
Some healthy steps to healing your marriage from codependency are:

• Start being honest with yourself and your significant other. Doing things that we do not want to do not only wastes our time and energy, it also brings on resentments. Saying things that we do not mean only hurts us, because we then are living a lie. Be honest in your communication, and in expressing your needs and desires.
• Negative thinking. Catch yourself when you begin to think negatively. If you begin to think that you deserve to be treated badly, catch yourself and change your thoughts. Be positive and have higher expectations.
• Taking things personally. It takes a lot of work for a codependent not to take things personally, especially when in an intimate relationship. Accepting the other as they are without trying to fix or change them is the first step.
• Take breaks. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from your spouse. It is healthy to have friendships (of the same sex) outside of your marriage. Going out with friends brings us back to our center, reminding us of who we really are.
• Marriage counseling. Get into counseling with your partner. It takes two to make or break a partnership, we cannot fix a marriage on our own. A counselor serves as an unbiased third party. He/she can point out codependent tendencies and actions between the two of you that you may not be aware of. Feedback can provide a starting point and direction. Change cannot happen if we do not change.
• Boundaries. Those that struggle with codependency often have trouble with boundaries. We do not know where our needs begin or where the others end. We often thrive off of guilt, and feel bad when we do not put the other first. Learning where you stand in your own life, and having clear boundaries is not mean, it is healthy.
• Take care of yourself. Learn to be your own best friend. Depending on how we are raised, most people do not know how to love themselves. It is not selfish to take care of yourself first.

Your marriage can be saved, but it will take an honest effort from both parties.