To understand how a person becomes suicidal, remember your worst day. It may have been because of a divorce, death of a loved one, loss of a job or business or some other kind of event. Remember what it felt like the next day.....the day after......the day after that....the week after that....the month after that. You can't eat, or sleep. You keep thinking about sad, discouraging things. Nothing is fun. You can't make decisions. You are exhausted all the time. You don't want to do anything. You don't want to be around people. You want to be left alone, but then again, you don't. You can't concentrate. You forget appointments.
Imagine feeling that feeling every day. Every morning when you wake up. Every night when you try to go to sleep. Every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and every other day of the week. Every holiday, birthday, vacation and workday. During times you should be happy, times you are rich and times you are poor. During times when you have loving friends and family and times you are alone. Let yourself remember that feeling and imagine it dragging on. It almost never goes away..
How do you deal with that much pain every day? You don't want to infect anyone else with the depression. Other people don't want you to feel that bad either. They say the wrong things. Eventually they stop saying anything at all. You feel hopeless and alone. Day after day after day.
You try everything you can think of to feel better. If it works at all, it's temporary. When the depression hits again, you feel even worse.
At some point you can't stand it. You want the pain to stop no matter how. Dying becomes an option. It starts with, "It would be better if I just didn't have to live this way." "If I die tomorrow, I don't care." As you feel more helpless and hopeless it changes to, "Well, if I were to kill myself, how could I do it?" It gets worse and you get everything ready, just in case you do decide to end it. You think about family and friends and what you can do for them before you go. You may give things away. You wrap things up. You make the decision. It's such a relief to know that it will soon be over you feel almost happy. Everyone thinks you are finally getting better. You take action.
And here we are, those who are left behind, wondering what in the world happened and what we could have done, or what you should have done, or what professionals should have done to keep you alive. While next to us in line at the bank, a man stands, feeling hopeless and alone.