The most important skill to having great relationships at home, work and play is communication.  The steps to communication can be explained by thinking about how a phone works.   The phone itself
1.  hears the sounds through the microphone,
2.  translates them into an electronic form,
3.  sends the message to the receiving phone, which then
4.  receives incoming sounds in an electronic form,
5.  translates it and
6.  projects it from the speaker.  

Learning from that experience we can see that if there is a problem with knowing what we want to say, and how we say it, the other person cannot hear our intended message.  The time and place we deliver the message affects the way it is received.  In order for us to hear someone else's message, we must pay attention to what they say and how they say it.  Then we need to make sure that what we heard is what they were trying to say.  Got it?

There are many things that can go wrong when you talk with someone.  You could say something other than what you mean, or say it in a way you don’t mean.  The other person could misunderstand you.  You may react to your past experience with them or other people, rather than to what is happening now. 

Good communication takes practice.  It changes relationships for the better, guaranteed!

Addiction can be to socially acceptable substances like alcohol or prescription medications, illegal substances or to self-destructive behavior like eating, rescuing other people, or exercising.  Addiction does not discriminate.  It affects the smart, the uneducated, presidents, homeless people, rich people, poor people, young, old, middle aged, working class, professors, the quiet, the outgoing, men, women.  Although there are some indications of a hereditary component to addiction, it is not predictable.  People who have addiction are not bad people.  People who have addiction do bad things.  There is a difference.   Addiction is not a choice.  No one wakes up one day and says, “I think I’ll be an addict.”  That is not to say that people with addiction cannot make different choices.  The choice to use or not to use is one that people must make every day. 

Addiction is a chronic illness characterized by a neurological condition that leads to the continued behavior OR use of a mood or mind altering substance despite negative consequences.

According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM),
“Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.

Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.”  http://www.asam.org/research-treatment/definition-of-addiction

When people have addiction, they do things to get their “fix” even when it goes against their own values.  Not only are other people bewildered and disgusted by their behavior, the addict is too.  This leads to blame from others and shame for the addict.  No one understands why people do what they do or go to the lengths they go to because it is not rational.  At first it starts out with feeling good, but it doesn’t stay that way.  Soon you can’t rely on your drug or behavior to make you feel good all the time.  Sometimes it does, sometimes not so much.  Eventually you have to continue just so you don’t feel bad all the time. 

Addicts are obsessed.  As Narcotics Anonymous puts it:  Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another—the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs.  (White Booklet, Narcotics Anonymous)

I believe that all addictive behavior is due to chemicals in one way or another.  With substances like alcohol, marijuana, methamphetamine, or heroin the person is putting the mind & mood altering substance into their body so that it alters their brain chemistry.  With behavior like gambling, sex, or shopping, the brain chemistry changes on its own.  The use of substances can create a physiological dependence, where people go through withdrawal if they stop.  With some substances, like alcohol or anti-anxiety medication, the withdrawal can be deadly.  For others it is simply miserable.

There is hope. 
There is recovery.

If trying to maintain balance in your life makes you feel like a tightrope walker, you’re not alone. Most of us have so many demands on our time and energy, life can feel like a three-ring circus. Take this quiz to see how well you are meeting responsibilities, while also recognizing and fulfilling personal needs and wants.

True  False

  ___   ___   1. The only way I can successfully manage my life is to take care of myself physically and
                      emotionally.

  ___   ___    2. Nurturing myself enlarges my capacity to help others.

  ___   ___    3. I eat healthfully and exercise regularly.

  ___   ___    4. I get check-ups, go to the dentist, and take preventative precautions.

  ___   ___    5. I set aside personal, quiet time for myself, whether I’m meditating or simply letting my thoughts                       drift. 

  ___   ___    6. I experience the gifts of each season: ice skating, sledding, bundled-up beach walks;
                       gardening, hiking, more time outside; camping, swimming, barbeques; harvesting the bounty,
                       gathering wood, spending more time inside.

  ___   ___     7. Creativity nurtures me, too. I do what I love, whether that’s cooking, drawing, painting, writing,
                         dancing, singing or another creative pursuit. 

  ___   ___     8. Reaching out to others enriches my life. I spend quality time with family and friends.

  ___   ___     9. Contributing to the world provides connection and purpose, so I give my time, energy and
                        experience where it is most useful. 

  ___   ___     10. I notice and heed the emotional signals that tell me I’m out of balance: irritability, overwhelm,
                          resentment.

  ___   ___     11. If I feel that I’m catching a cold, I realize I may have stressed my immune system with
                          over-activity, so I stop and take care of myself.

  ___   ___     12. When I need or want to, I say no to requests for my time.

  ___   ___     13. I listen to and honor the requests my body makes for such things as a nap, a walk, green
                          vegetables, hot soup.

  ___   ___     14. If I have something planned for myself, I don’t just toss that aside when someone makes a
                          request of me.

  ___   ___     15. I’m busy, but I find time to do the things I want to do.

  ___   ___     16. I’m happy. I regularly experience well-being, contentment, even joy.

If you answered false more often than true, you are robbing yourself and those you love. Please don’t hesitate to call (360) 949-2524, if you’d like to explore this issue further.

Jeanne L. Meyer, MS, LMHC, LPC
Choices Counseling
8100 NE Parkway Dr., Suite 25
Vancouver, WA  98662
(360) 949-2524

Author’s content used with permission, © Claire Communications